There are two types of people: people who function perfectly well on cannabis and those who forget how left and right works. This guide is for the latter.
Picture this: you’ve had a long day at work and you’re primed to unwind. You have yourself a generous helping of Tweed Bakerstreet Chocolate. You’re feeling relaxed. It’s the perfect mix of body high and brain wiping euphoria. All of a sudden you hear a familiar voice. Your spouse is saying “Hey, why aren’t you ready? We’re having dinner at my parents tonight.”
Whoops.
Don’t panic. We’ve prepared a guide for you to follow to help you get through tonight.
First of all, some important points if you are high:
- Don’t drive.
- Don’t operate heavy machinery.
- Don’t offer to help cook.
Got that down? Okay, good. Here is how you’re going to make it.
Smile and Nod.
Your “Yes and” improv skills are useless here. Don’t try to adlib a story or come up with a thoughtful response. Remember that old saying? Keep It Simple Stupid.
It doesn’t matter what the question is, just smile and nod.
“How was your day?”
🙂
“How is work going?”
🙂
“Do you plan on having children?”
🙂
Smiling and nodding is a proper response to most questions. Sure, you might look somewhat… robotic, but it’s a whole lot better than saying “uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh, can you say that again?”
Tip:
Practice your smile in a mirror beforehand. The perfect smile can convey confidence and comfort in the situation. It should sit somewhere between mildly content and Jack Nicholson screaming “Here’s Johnny!”.
Indulge in Dinner
Everything is going to taste awesome, so just roll with it.
Your mother-in law’s jello and pickle salad is going to taste like it was made in a 5-star restaurant. Make sure to let her know how much you enjoy it, but don’t overdo it.
Acceptable statements:
“This is sooooooo good.”
“May I have seconds?”
“Did you actually make this? Netflix should give you your own show!”
Unacceptable statements:
“Do you think if you wrote the recipe on my hand my brain will recreate the taste when I look at it?”
“Martha, this bundt cake absolutely fucking SLAPS.”
“I haven’t had a meal this dank since my 10th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese”
Sure, you won’t be capable of holding a conversation and you’ll probably hold eye contact for uncomfortable amounts of time, but you better believe the only thing your host is going to remember is being flattered by your ravenous frenzy.
It’s Just Not That Funny
Whether it be nervous